wishful thinking?

I was watching a Japanese TV programme (I do that often, so that I don't forget what I've paid to learn) about the birth of babies of different families.

Now ppl who knows me well enough would know that I have both of my fallopian tubes removed due to actopic pregnancy. I've never tried to hide it from anyone, so basically whoever brings it up I would make it clear that it takes more if I wanted a child of my own.

Adrian is well aware of it + he has 2 from his last marriage so it's not essential. However, as the day approaches, I feel the urge more... strange because I've never felt that way before, never ever have I had the desire to have a child.

However, because Adrian is such a wonderful man (you should see his interaction with the kids, it's wonderful), the idea of having a child (a girl of course) with him sounds like a good idea -- that's why I wasn't against it when Adrian asked. In fact, I thought, if I had a father like Adrian, I would be a very very happy daughter. That's why I told him we could try but I don't think we should push it... he agreed.

Tonight, after watching that TV programme. I felt something else. I imagined (I did!!! I've never done anything like that before coz I just can't...) I was the one suffering from the pain and the uncertainty and all that... some of the stories put tears to my eyes -- a blind forty year-old mom + a husband who works as a volunteer; a young wife + a husband old enough to be her father; a premature baby born at 25 weeks that weighed only 568g at birth; a young ex-gangster father confessing his pass to the in-laws before the baby was born... these ppl are courageous. They actually made me felt like a coward... hmm...

A baby girl would be perfect... wishful thinking?